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Ten Best Tools of All Time
{Source Unknown.......If you know who wrote
this, tell me so I can give proper credit to the author.}
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need
it.
Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any
car, any place, any time.
- 1. DUCT TAPE: Not just a tool,
a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire,
body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and
more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding
duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything
from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard.
The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and
a phone booth.
-
- 2. VICE-GRIPS: Equally adept
as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen
bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of
your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix
things screwed up beyond repair.
-
- 3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS: A considerably
cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items.
Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the
main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely
enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red
tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one
of the ten worst tools of all time.
-
- 4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS:
If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin
that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air
cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds
of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty
tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored
goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners
and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space
wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
-
- 5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD:
Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent.
Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop
a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone.
-
- 6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES: After twenty
years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some
genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market.
Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring
from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely
resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying
used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.
-
- 7. RIDICULOUSLY LARGE STANDARD SCREWDRIVER
WITH LIFETIME GUARANTEE: Admit it. There's nothing better
for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating
than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with
gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters
so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in
one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you
will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.
-
- 8. BAILING WIRE: Commonly known
as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot
for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse
contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the
right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some
circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
-
- 9. BONKING STICK: This monstrous
tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a
tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once
every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real
use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that
of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent
metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking
stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course,
but does a lousy job of it).
-
- 10. A QUARTER (now $0.35) AND
A PHONE BOOTH: (See #1 above.) {Okay so most of you
have a cellular phone....but you get the idea.}
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